Gloria Stahl is a giver. She's served in leadership roles all over town, from the PTA to the neighborhood Bunko Club. Her qualifications for the Avalon Hills Country Club are impeccable.

So why is Marci Deveraux stonewalling her?

A blackly comic story in four parts.

Mrs. Marci Foyle Deveraux

c/o Avalon Hills Membership Committee

Avalon Hills Country Club

10 Webster Wallace Court

Avalon Hills, MD 21206

June 9, 2013

Dearest Marci,

Greetings from your old friend Gloria Stahl! You will no doubt recall our time together on the Greater Baltimore Head Start Committee, way back in 2010. I was the committee’s lone representative from the Hollander Ridge Rotary Club, and served as the assistant liaison for cup and beverage supplies for that year’s event. What a magnificent evening that turned out to be (the brief bomb scare notwithstanding). I often think back fondly on those days, and I use your expert leadership on that event as the template for most of the committee work that I’ve done since. You may be aware that just last month I helped organize a 5k race in Herring Run Park that raised enough money to build a new swing set and teeter totter for that park’s aging playground. It was challenging work, but the smiles on the faces of our local children make it all worthwhile!

Speaking of successful events, I understand some congratulations are in order! I read online that last week’s Blue Star Medallion Ball raised over 3 million dollars for the Johns Hopkins Cancer Research Center. Way to go, Marci! It is downright amazing to me that you were able to chair that event so soon after your hugely successful “Images in Impressionism” auction for the Baltimore Art Museum, and all the while keeping up with your duties on the Avalon Hills Membership Committee!

Which brings me to the reason for this letter, Marci. As I’ve said in my preceding letters and voicemail messages, I am eager to move forward and schedule a meeting to discuss my family’s application for membership at Avalon Hills Country Club. I realize that our residing in Hollander Ridge might seem on its face to present something of a challenge to our being approved. However, I have made the drive from here to there many times and I can assure you that even in moderate traffic it rarely takes more than an hour each way. And I am of course certain that the committee is forward-thinking enough to realize that Hollander Ridge is itself an up-and-coming community, far removed from the days of being the so-called “methamphetamine capital of the mid-Atlantic.” Oh, how the media distorts and misleads!

Marci, I know how busy you must be, which is why I appreciate your prompt attention to the matter of our application. Although I am myself extremely busy with various responsibilities (both civic and domestic!), I would be honored to make time for a formal interview, or even an informal cocktail amongst friends. Such is the level of importance that I place upon the Avalon Hills Membership Committee.

Again, thank you for your time and consideration. I am including a card with my contact information. Feel free to reach me anytime.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Gloria Stahl

Vice Chair, Hollander Ridge Red Hat Society

Secretary, William P. Mumphrey Junior High School PTA

Assistant Event Coordinator, Herring Run Park ‘Race for the Children’ 5k Run and Carnival

Mrs. Marci Foyle Deveraux

c/o Avalon Hills Membership Committee

Avalon Hills Country Club

10 Webster Wallace Court

Avalon Hills, MD 21206

June 21, 2013

Dearest Marci,

What a busy summer this is turning out to be! I can only imagine the many activities, responsibilities, and charitable causes you must be tied up with these days. I want you to know that I, more than anyone, recognize what it’s like to be pulled in so many directions, and that I have in no way taken your not yet responding to my previous correspondence as anything other than a lack of time with which to compose a suitable reply. Oh, the perils of responsibility that community involvement entails!

Nevertheless, I thought this might be a good time to follow up with you regarding our family’s application to the Avalon Hills Country Club. When might we schedule an appointment, or even a brief phone call, to cover the details and logistics of our gaining approval to the Club? I am so very eager to roll up my sleeves and start getting involved with all the incredible opportunities that Avalon Hills has to offer!

Perhaps now would also be an appropriate time to review the “bona fides” of the Stahl family and to cover the many ways in which we can (and will!) contribute to the sterling reputation that Avalon Hills has earned over the past 82 years.

For starters, you will be pleased to know that as of this January Dwayne has been named Regional Manager for Mister Lucky’s Tuxedo Rentals. And let me tell you, after 22 years with the company this was a promotion long overdue! He is now responsible for overseeing retail shops throughout the entire northeast side of Baltimore, which includes five stores (not counting the one in the Bayside Mall, across from the Food Court, which is technically a franchise). This promotion has meant very long hours for Dwayne, but he somehow still managed to earn Co-MVP honors in his Men’s Over 40 Bowling League at the Hollander Ridge Lanes this season. My mother always said I’d marry an athlete!

As far as the kids are concerned, well, where to start! Dwayne Jr. starts 10th grade this fall, and he is already quite the hot property on campus! He’s in line to become the third chair flautist in the school band and is also active in pep squad. Last year, at my encouragement, he tried out for both the debate team and the cross-country team, but you know how political those things can be. We’re expecting an easier path this fall, when he’ll go out for football, wrestling, and the chess team, pending the resolution of his academic probation situation.

Ashley, always our little free spirit, is having a fine time at William P. Mumphrey Junior High, which you may be aware was recently cited as Baltimore’s 32nd-fastest-improving school in the annual standardized Maryland Achievement Tests. Getting her to engage in extracurricular activities has been a bit of a challenge – teenagers, am I right! – but her art teacher, Mr. Papadakous, has taken a particular interest and has devoted many hours of after-school tutoring to shaping her artistic talents. I never would have believed a 7th grade art teacher would be so giving of his time on nights and weekends just to help one young student, but it only goes to show that basic human decency is not dead. Far from it!

So now you’re up to date on Dwayne, Dwayne Jr., and Ashley. I suppose that just leaves me. However, modesty prevents me from wasting any more space promoting my own accomplishments. If you are interested, you should feel free to reference the enclosed one-page biography, entitled “Gloria Stahl: A Life of Involvement and Achievement.” I’ve done my best to distill it down to manageable summaries. If you have any questions, visit the website or social media accounts listed at the bottom of the page, all of which contain more detailed listings of my interests and activities. Or you can of course simply call me anytime as well! I’m including several copies of my card, which contains all my updated contact information.

Well, I suppose I’ve gone on long enough. I will let you get back to your many other responsibilities, but I hope you will not linger too long on an appropriate response to my inquiries. Really, Marci, among friends like us even a short phone call or email is more than enough to suffice!

Thank you again for your most generous assistance with our application. I look forward to catching up with you very, very soon!

Anxiously awaiting your kindest reply,

Gloria Stahl

Vice Chair, Hollander Ridge Red Hat Society

Secretary, William P. Mumphrey Junior High School PTA

Assistant Event Coordinator, Herring Run Park ‘Race for the Children’ 5k Run and Carnival

Coordinator, Rolling Hills Book Club

Founder, Rolling Hills Bunko Society

Assistant Liaison for cup and beverage supplies, Greater Baltimore Head Start committee (2010)

Mrs. Marci Foyle Deveraux

c/o Avalon Hills Membership Committee

Avalon Hills Country Club

10 Webster Wallace Court

Avalon Hills, MD 21206

July 12, 2013

Dear Marci,

I hope you don’t think it presumptuous for me to say that your lack of response to my repeated inquiries is nothing short of distressing. Considering the history that you and I share from our time together on the Greater Baltimore Head Start committee, not to mention the strong credentials the Stahl family submits alongside its application for membership to the Avalon Hills Country Club, I am at a loss as to the reasons for your continued silence.

Of course I expect this is due to some sort of clerical error or scheduling conflict, and not to the persistent, mean-spirited gossip that has followed my family around these past few months. Because I am a LADY and because the accusations leveled against my family are so baseless (not to mention tasteless!), I will not even bother to address them in full. To do so would not be befitting of the character of a member of the Avalon Hills Country Club, which I most certainly intend to be when all is said and done!

However, for the purposes of clarification, it is probably worth mentioning that despite any rumors to the contrary, Dwayne’s arrest on charges of embezzlement from Mister Lucky’s Tuxedo Rentals was one big misunderstanding, and our attorneys assure us that an indictment is not – I repeat, NOT – imminent. Dwayne has been a trusted employee of that company for more than 20 years, and his January promotion should tell you a little something about the good standing he’s earned during his time in their employ.

Furthermore, the recent news stories about Ashley’s alleged “relationship” with the alleged bank robber and alleged registered sex offender Nick Papadoukas are blatantly misleading. Because of the court order I am not at liberty to say much more at this point, but suffice to say that our little Ashley will be vindicated once the truth is finally heard!

As I’m sure you can imagine, all this hustle and bustle has forced me to reevaluate my priorities, leading me to step down from several of my volunteer leadership positions. While this was a hard decision to make, it has allowed me to refocus on the most important thing in my life (my family!), and it has the added benefit of freeing me up for whatever role (or roles!) you may have in mind for me once I’ve been approved for membership at Avalon Hills.

Please, Marci, do not delay in reaching out with a reply! Although I am a patient and God-fearing woman, the suspense is proving a bit much for me!

Thank you for your attention to this urgent matter.

With warmest regards,

Gloria Stahl

Vice Chair, Hollander Ridge Red Hat Society

Secretary, William P. Mumphrey Junior High School PTA

Assistant Event Coordinator, Herring Run Park ‘Race for the Children’ 5k Run and Carnival

Coordinator, Rolling Hills Book Club

Founder, Rolling Hills Bunko Society

Assistant Liaison for cup and beverage supplies, Greater Baltimore Head Start committee (2010)

Volunteer, Hollander Ridge Rotary Debutante Ball (2004-2009)

Volunteer, Ronald Reagan Elementary School PTA (2005-2011)

Volunteer, Ronald Reagan Elementary School Bake Sale / Field Day (2002-2006)

Mrs. Marci Foyle Deveraux

c/o Avalon Hills Membership Committee

Avalon Hills Country Club

10 Webster Wallace Court

Avalon Hills, MD 21206

July 20, 2013

Marci,

It is with heavy heart that I withdraw my application for membership at Avalon Hills Country Club. Given the ongoing legal situations that have befallen my family, I cannot in good conscience dedicate any of my limited free time to the leisure activities and philanthropic efforts that would no doubt accompany my acceptance. Upon receipt of the Avalon Hills rejection letter dated July 16 (which I recognize as a form letter and not from your personal hand, despite the very passable signature – electronic ink?), I have resolved to postpone any necessary membership interviews until such time as I may devote my full attention to it.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck with all your exciting new responsibilities, including your role as campaign manager for Dick’s U.S. Senate race. I, too, know what it is like to serve in a prominent supporting role to the man of the house, and I can only say that I hope Dick appreciates your many efforts in the same way Dwayne appreciates mine!

I look forward to our paths crossing again soon. In the meantime, I hope you’ll consider serving on one (or more!) of the boards and committees to whom I have recommended you as a potential candidate. The Hollander Ridge Rotary Debutante Ball, in particular, is in need of exactly the sort of guidance I know you can provide.

Thank you for your enduring friendship, and please do not be a stranger. It is in times like these that we most rely on the love and support of those around us!

Your friend,

Gloria Stahl

Short fiction: Anxiously Awaiting Your Kindest Reply